Beginning of End?

We’ve been told many times now that Teresa didn’t have much time left. And every time she has rebounded. But none of her doctors or nurses here think she can this time.

She’s agreed to DNR (she was originally in her AMD but then signed for full code in December). Dr M told her how painful it would be for her, as did her doctor of this past week, Dr Bolland. He’s nice….but I still don’t like him. He’s all about helping Teresa “die with dignity” even when Teresa is saying, “I want to live”. I told him death isn’t dignified, and he pretty much told me I was wrong, but that I was welcome to my opinion. He can stuff his opinion — if he considers his death dignified, fine. But pushing someone into death as their only option when they’re trying to survive is NOT okay, and there is no dignity (nor honor) in it.

He also told me he’d been trying to arrange a meeting with me for 5 days and why hadn’t I come to meet him? This frantic, “she’d going to die any day now” type call was the first I’d heard of a requested meeting. He said he’d been telling Teresa, who is doped beyond belief on dilaudid and can’t always remember what happened in a current conversation, and expected her to pass the word along. *headdesk* I told him he had my number and why didn’t he just call me “Well it wasn’t urgent.” REALLY????????

With Ts request I’m going to call the surgeon tomorrow morning (Monday, January 14) and get a yes or a no out of them. She needs to know one way or the other. She asks over and over. He has saved more than one terminal patient and if he genuinely thought he could save her I want her to have that chance. I also know, from an experience of my own that not surviving surgery would be much less painful for her than what she’s going through now. (I had a reaction to having an IV put in prior to a surgery about ten years ago, and my blood pressure dropped precipitously and I blacked out…I wasn’t aware of anything. If I’d have died, I wouldn’t have known.) She’s in a lot of pain.

She complains the most about dry mouth but can only have ice chips and a wet towel to suck on….she ate several of the blue sponges for swabbing so they can’t risk giving her more and having her choke.

I seriously do not understand how she managed to eat 3 of them and no one noticed or tried to stop her? One, okay . . . but for someone who isn’t supposed to be eating, how did no one notice what she was doing? And if you knew, why not step in and at the least take all the swabs away from her?

She is occasionally lucid and other times asks if people care more about her than they care about NASCAR….

Her PCA machine said she reached her max dose of dilaudid a few times, and it’s still not enough.

She’s seeing people who aren’t corporeal (ghosts) and asking if I can tell her who they are, but …..

I’ve done many songs for Teresa. Here are three. Some of you have heard The Story already but it’s one of her favorites. I’ve played it several times to help her relax.

(As a reminder, if you must pray, please do it privately and don’t post it here or on Facebook or in private messages to us.)

Baby Mine

Total Eclipse of the Heart

The Story

I tried to do another but I can’t make it past a few lines without crying. 😭I don’t know how to live without my person.

I have to run up to our apartment to feed our kitty Faden (his brother is in Roanoke), I have no one who can do it for me, but then I’ll head back to the hospital.

She has been able to talk to a few people on the phone. If you want a chance, you need to tell me and I’ll see if she’s up to it when I get back. I can’t promise anything. PM me your cell if you’re not sure if I have it or not.

2 thoughts on “Beginning of End?

    1. Thank you. She’s improved since this post. A big part of the problem was they dosed her twice with Ativan on top of 2 different opioids, which severely depressed her respiratory system and made her extremely groggy. Instead of realizing it was a drug reaction, they decided it meant she was dying and told me she was.

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