January 30, 2019: One Week

It is a week now since you died. And every day, every single moment, is as agonizing as the first. I miss the way you smelled. None of your stuff smells like you anymore. 😭 I miss the safety and warmth of your hugs, that made me feel so loved, more than anyone else’s. I miss your kisses.

I miss how I could talk to you about any and everything. I miss how in sync we were from day one. I miss our memories, which you were better at recalling all the perfect details of. I miss our memories being happy thoughts; now they just bring pain, sorrow, and heartbreaking tears.

I miss the other half of my soul; the other half of my brain. I miss your intelligence. Your beauty. Your kindness. Your humor. I miss your cooking. I miss the recipes you made just for me that I have no way to ever replicate. I miss singing with you. I miss your perfect fingers in my hair.

You were so much a part of me, and now you’re gone, and nothing can ever replace or repair that great, gaping loss.

I want to hug you so badly. The hospital people never let me give you a real hug because of all the tubes. And all the hurt the hospital caused you. I tried so hard to get another place to take you, to save you, but I failed, and I’m so sorry.

We tried, we tried to hug, but it was so hard. I never got a chance to really wrap my arms around you until you were gone. When I had to come see you in the funeral home to positively identify you before they took you away for cremation. That’s when I got to hug you. The funeral home called yesterday to tell me it has been done, and they will keep you safely until I can come pick you up. My heart broke into more pieces after that call.

I miss my person, who was absolutely perfect just the way you were. Shame on anyone who made you feel different in a bad way, that made you feel you had to pretend to be someone you weren’t. You were good, and perfect, just the way you were. There was no one better for me than you. I will love you and miss you forever and ever. I’m an in unending agony without you, my precious, wonderful wife. I can barely eat anything, and everything hurts. I want you back so badly. My darling, sweet Teresa.

An a cappella recording of me singing “It Must Have Been Love” last night. You do not need a Google account to view it.

Our wedding:

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