June 23, 2019: Five Months

June 23, 2019

5 months without my beloved Teresa.

It’s not better. If you see me during the day, you will probably think I am doing pretty well. It is like a mask. Because I don’t like crying in public. That doesn’t mean I won’t talk with you about Teresa in public. Just that I am very selective with who and what topics exactly I talk about in public.

Nights…. Nights are bad. The night before last, I didn’t sleep *at all*. I recorded 3 songs. They’re public so if you go to my SingSnap, you can listen. One is called Broken (by Lifehouse). I shared some of the lyrics …. Last month I think. The song is a little low for me, so I acknowledge that I am not fully on key all the way through, but it was a song that needed singing.

But not all of it fits. It has lyrics that say, “In the pain, there is healing.” There has been no healing.

Tonight (i.e. in the middle of the night) I recorded myself singing Rufus Wainwright’s (though most will know it as Leonard Cohen’s) “Hallelujah” – a song we both loved, a lot. It is beautiful and haunting.

I tried not to cry while singing it, but I think you can tell I did anyway, around this verse:

“I’ve seen this room and I’ve walked this floor
You know, I used to live alone before I knew ya
And I’ve seen your flag on the marble arch
And love is not a victory march
It’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah”


(My recording has a photo slideshow, but it is only accessible from a computer; SingSnap’s mobile apps cannot currently support slideshow views at this time.)

[“Hallelujah,” the song teaches us, is a refrain worthy of times of celebration, of mourning, of regret, of catharsis, and reconciliation. Cohen’s song tells a story of broken love, true love remembered and mourned, guilt, penance, and of finding peace in the vicissitudes of brokenness—themes with a myriad of applications and dimensions. – https://spinditty.com/genres/The-Origin-and-History-of-the-Song-Hallelujah]

*Please, no prayers. Much gratefulness and thank you’s to those who do remember that neither of us were religious, nor did prayer comfort us.

*There is *not* an H in Teresa’s name.


If you want to know what kinds of thoughts we had on any kind of afterlife, reincarnation, and so forth, please read “What Dreams May Come” and then we can talk. (Yes, the film is fantastic, and I love the film. But the book tells you more in depth information than the film could/did.) It is not a long book. It is by Richard Matheson. It was published in September 1978.

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